Tuesday, 21 January 2014

Lazed & Dazed

Following my previous post, I had a slight meltdown from the internal crisis that was brought on by the anxiety of procrastinating on my school work. Even on the night before submission day itself, I was so badly shaken up that all I could do was rock myself back and forth in a bid to calm my ultra frazzled nerves. Apparently just the thought of the assignments alone is enough to send me into a frenzy. Despite the overwhelming sense of urgency, I physically could not bring myself to sit down and start on the dreaded tasks.

Probably the worst episode I've had out of all the assignments since the start of school (it's been almost a year). It's funny coz there have been CAs that were of a higher level of difficulty, more time consuming and taxing, and just "bigger" and way more substantial in general. But this is the first time I've been so affected. (of course there was that period where I got panic attacks the moment I opened InDesign to do the VC brochure but...that was a long time ago lol)

I wouldn't say that I no longer give a shit about school. After all, it still remains quite possibly the thing that I've wanted most in my life, and the dream I fought so hard to attain. Rather, I cared and worried too much in the past, so much so that it became unnecessarily overwhelming and wound up inevitably crushing me.

Now, I've learnt to let the little stressors and worries slide right off my shoulders. So many things seem like such a big deal now, but in the long run, all this shit really doesn't matter at all.

And it certainly isn't worth it (at ALL!) to allow these little things to mess with my mental and emotional wellbeing. To let them become detrimental to my health and happiness. It's just not worth it and frankly, it's quite stupid. Although I failed to realise this before.

I'm now trying really hard to find the perfect balance between caring WAY too much and not caring at all. Right now I'm still floating back and forth somewhere between 40% (that's slightly too little, which causes me to start panicking and go into overdrive) and 300% (that's obviously too much, and is when I start to go crazy and launch myself into a self-destructive downward spiral).

I still love going to school. The people, the environment and just polytechnic life in general.

I guess I still need to work on not being so fixated on grades and results. Like Ms Kwa said, "Screw the grades!". (my idol)

All I need to make sure of are that I'm learning new things every day, fostering positive relationships with the amazing people around me (and actively cutting out the toxic people from my life, but that's a whole other subject I shall save for a different blog entry), and being truly happy and thankful to be in the position I'm in.

These three years are gonna be a blast, and I want to make great memories that will last :)

(unintentional rhyming teehee #rapgod)

Alrighty, that's enough soul-searchy rambling for one post. Is it just me or have the past few PuddingFancy posts been quite melancholic as of late?

***

Here are some random pics that I need to clear. The amount of to-blog photos building up in my folders is getting out of hand.

Photos taken two weeks back when Esther and I headed to a recording studio over in Chinatown to have an interview and photoshoot with 'Vestige' for our VC web design project. They're an alternative/hard rock band and they're really cool! Very talented, down to earth bunch of guys, here's their Facebook page if you're interested. Go like them, they're really good!

#ootd lol


I like my tiger tank top very very much. I don't really know why but every time I wear it I keep thinking about The Hangover lol.

(Bradley Cooper is hot as hell <3)

Before I met up with Esther to do our project thingy, my mum treated me to Sakae Sushi. Wheeeeeee~~ lol so blessed :'))


AMAZING SUSHI WITH FREAKING SMOKED DUCK AND LIKE...IDK WHAT THAT STUFF ON THE TOP IS BUT IT'S FREAKING DELICIOUS NONETHELESS.

It was so good I couldn't even believe it was really happening...all those flavours just...swirling in my mouth...sooo goooddddd~~~

"IS THIS REAL LIFE, OR IS THIS JUST FANTASY?"


Small fillets of deliciously deep-fried salmon. Sooooo good with Japanese mayo oh my lord.

***

Alrighty I guess that's all for now. My productivity levels for the past few weeks have been at like, negative five. And although I recognise just how much of a problem it is, I still continue to laze around and be of as much use to the world as a giant blob of hardened gravy.

Like today, I wasn't feeling well enough to go to school (which really upsets me coz I honestly love going for lectures) and I pretty much spent the ENTIRE DAY lying in bed, playing Pokopang. And I did a bit of rapping while waiting for my clovers to regenerate but still.

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