Friday, 12 September 2014

Girl Crush.

I don't usually post these highly personal, "diary-like" entries on my blog, but these thoughts and feelings have been bubbling within me over the past day and ESPECIALLY intensely in about the past eight hours or so, hence I've decided to pour my heart out through this virtual medium.

Here goes.

I love guys, everyone knows this. I consider myself to be just about as straight as they come, and I have given it some thought in the past, but I really doubt that I am bisexual.

However, every once in a blue moon, and often seemingly out of nowhere, I develop strong feelings of both attraction and affection towards a fellow female. (<- oxymoron hahahaha)

And I know the title can be rather misleading, but I am not talking about your average girl crushes which are totally common and completely normal.

"Girl crush" is a term mainly used to describe girls whom other girls greatly admire and sometimes even idolise. They could be female celebrities, or even regular ladies from a girl's everyday life. (Jenna Marbles made a hilarious video in which she discussed the concept of girl crushes in great detail, you should go check it out!)

I know I have plenty of these sorts of girl crushes.

I could probably give you a list of names right off the bat of female celebs whom I love so much and always refer to as my "wife" and so forth.

But the crush I'm talking about isn't like, say, Ariana Grande or Iggy Azalea, both superstars whom I absolutely adore but I know that they're just idols and nothing more (wow that rhymed). In fact, it even differs from people whom I have felt a connection with, even though they're just celebs or even fictional characters. For example, Poussey Washington (played by the amazingly beautiful Samira Wiley, and whom i gushed about endlessly in this post), or like...Asa Akira lol (please don't judge me hahahaha).

In terms of people in real life, my peers know that I have no qualms going up to a female friend and telling them how amazing I think their booty is, or how their face looks so beautiful I just want to stroke it ever so gently for three hours straight. (both real examples, just fyi)

The thing is, for these "girl crushes", I 100% am sure that I regard them as just a friend whom I happen to be close enough with to openly joke about such things.

In these cases, I know that I have no sexual attraction to them whatsoever, and my praises and comments, despite sounding rather suggestive and might even be alarming to some, are usually just honest observations and actually pretty objective.

What I'm trying to say through this post today is...this is a legit crush. On a girl.

And it's only the second time this has happened to me in my entire life thus far, the very first time being in 2011 (of course i remember the specifics, since it was a first in my life not to mention i was freaking out at the time lmao) when one of my close girl friends revealed to me that she was actually a lesbian.

Nothing unusual happened after her confession, I gave her a hug and told her that I still love and accept her for who she is, as I do to all of my friends who have come out to me as homosexual/bisexual.

But...that night I couldn't stop thinking about her in a totally different light hahahaha. Apparently I developed crazily intense feelings for her, feelings that are more than what you would have towards just a friend.

Long story short, I freaked myself out completely and I was unable to look her in the eye throughout that period of time or even hear her voice coz back then, although it was just a crush, all I could think of was OMG I AM SO IN LOVE WITH YOU PLEASE STOP BEING SO CLOSE TO ME AND MAKING ME EVEN MORE INFATUATED WITH YOU.

Anddd...after about three days to a week, the feelings dissipated and we went back to being just normal friends hahahaha. Yep I made it out to sound like such a big deal when in actual fact this "crush" of mine lasted for less than 10 days. But the feelings I was experiencing were hella strong ok!!

She didn't even know anything was up with me until I told her about the whole episode many months after it happened, and trust me when I say we both laughed our asses off over it hahaha. And in case you were curious, she is now one of my closest friends ever in the whole wide world, and I really treasure her so much :))

Okay anyway...enough about all this blabbering. The reason behind this whole damn post today in the first place...the girl

Oh my god I am squealingggggg.

I only just met her like, literally a day ago (can't reveal much more as i've probably already said too much and i genuinely hope that no one who might know who i'm referring to, or even the girl herself omg, reads my blog otherwise i'm as good as dead) but the moment I saw her I was like, woaaah. I seriously had to take a step back, calibrate, and tell myself to keep calm and carry on with my life as per normal, which seemed kinda tricky at first after meeting this amaaazing girl.

I'm gonna try not to gush and rave too much about her, but she is honestly so gorgeous, adorable, sweet, kind, funny, and just uber pleasant to be around.

But the real kicker lies in the fact that for some reason which I've yet to be able to pinpoint, she stands out as being a person who is perfectly attractive, to me.

And yes, I do realize that "perfect" is a really strong word to use and I've never really used that to describe someone seriously (i mean obviously this is different from me saying like for example, how i think Chanyeol is perfect and amazing, because he is an idol. you get it right?) before but when I look at her, it's just like. Her as a whole, looks and feels perfect.

And let me just tell you right now that I've honestly never felt this way about anyone else, be it any of the guy crushes whom I've had over the years.

Usually I like someone for a few particular aspects, like for instance they have great muscular arms and nice tanned skin but I don't necessarily fancy their face and I don't find their personality all that appealing (i sound like such a massive bitch right now lol but i'm trying to illustrate a point so please bear with me).

Whereas this girl...literally every aspect of her just blows me away. Her face, her body, her character. And yes I am aware of the fact that I'm being creepy as fuck now describing her this way AHAHAHAHAHAHA. Please kill me if I'm ever found out to be saying all these things about her lmao.

She is so, so, so, so, SO, cute. Like, REALLY cute. Ridiculously cute.

And her voice, oh my godddd.


I wouldn't be able to explain it fully or single out one main reason why I find her to be so "perfect", but all I know is when I look at her, something just clicks.

And I'm not gonna lie, I caught myself stealing glances at her on numerous occasions during the time we've spent together (in a group) so far hahahaha. Hope I didn't/don't get caught :X

Alrighty this post was probably super boring and creepy for you to have read, but it's mostly a personal entry which allows me to log my current thoughts and emotions so that one day I can revisit this post and just piss myself from laughing at all the ridiculous and disgusting things that I've written today.

And let's be honest (lezbehonest loll), this "crush" is probably gonna fizzle and die out within less than a week, and hopefully I'd still get to become friends with this girl and we could perhaps slowly become closer to one another because she is seriously such an adorable lil sweetheart...and UGH, I just wanna cuddle her in soft blankets and drink hot cocoa with her and watch movies in the dark and maybe peck her on the cheek and like...umm.


(i'm totally straight i swear)

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