Saturday, 20 September 2014

Shit Happens

Greetings, you beautiful creature. *lovingly strokes your hair* (wow, soft! what shampoo do you use??)

I am back with a new post in less than 24 hours since my last one, which I must say is quite an astounding feat for someone like me.

However, today's post isn't gonna be about the #shootfood production...YET! That post will come in due time, you just wait and see.

I can't really bring myself to write about it so soon since production officially wrapped...also, there was one last surprise that was completely unexpected and just so amazing it was...gosh. Unbelievable.

This whole journey, albeit short, has been truly incredible.

It honestly feels weird not to receive the e-mails from Jiaying the producer (hi if you're reading) (you a poo <3) every night with the schedule and scripts so that we can prep for the next day. And when I wake up in the morning, I'm just sitting on my bed in a daze instead of scrambling up and packing my multiple costumes, slapping makeup onto my face, dashing around the house and running on pure adrenaline while I pump myself up for yet another awesome day of shooting to come.

Everything is just so fresh and raw now...I need to give myself some time to properly settle down and go through all this withdrawal nonsense before I actually allow myself to go through all the memories of this blissful 6-day period.



Although, damn. When the time comes, revisiting all those moments during production is gonna be a pretty solid, bittersweet kick straight to my heart.

Alrighty, I've already blabbered on about my over-attachment issues for paragraphs on end. Without further ado, let us proceed to the actual contents of today's blog post.

I'm just gonna start off from after the point where I left school after production was over and we were done with our wrap party and everything. (sobs)

Basically...shit went down and I was pretty bummed out.

I've noticed that as of late, I have been very gradually slipping back into my old bad habits.

I think it's been about a month or more since I've last touched my gratitude journal, even though I know damn well that writing in it daily made such a great impact on my emotional wellbeing and general outlook on life.

I haven't been making an effort to get sleep in the correct amounts and at the right time, allowing the serotonin to wreak havoc within my mind and body.

Just this week, I went through two full days of filming despite having completely deprived myself of adequate rest. On the third night, I was close to collapsing but even though I'd had probably only a little over 1.5 hours of sleep for the past two days, I couldn't fall asleep for more than fifteen minutes or so without being jolted up by an anxiety attack. My mind would just go crazy and be filled with a flurry of disturbing scenarios which all seemed so real, like they really happened, but were nothing more than images created by my brain to mess me up.

I woke up scared, confused, and doubled over from the uncomfortably high amount of acidity in my stomach, which rendered it impossible for me to even try laying down and getting relaxed enough to fall into a much needed slumber.

Thankfully I felt fine as soon as I got up and actually kept myself occupied with activities other than overthinking myself to the point of insanity, but there was a tiny hiccup during the time where I was filming at a friend's house, and I guess my energy levels kind of dropped and I just felt so out of it, like I was floating. My mind was completely blank, my brain just quit on me and all my thought processes became worryingly slow. I also began feeling sad as all hell :((

This cocktail of shitty feelings I'm all too familiar with, and what I hate more than anything.

I'm now trying my darndest to just be as positive as I can possibly be, keeping in mind how far I've come since those days spent in struggle and hopelessness. From a place that was as dark as I'd been in...I never wanna go through that again.

Which brings us back to yesterday after I'd left the wrap party and returned home, alone with nothing but a flurry of negative thoughts swirling in my head.

Because of all the misery I was wallowing in...I know myself, and I knew that I was probably gonna swing by the convenience store to grab a bottle or two of alcohol to chug late at night so that I'd be able to knock myself out and go to bed.

As someone who had always vowed so strongly to abstain from alcohol her entire life, I didn't even bat an eyelid a while back (probably during the busiest period of the semester, no surprise there) when I started drinking at least once every week because I was just so fucking stressed out all the time.

Looking back, it did seem like a problem.

I mean, yes. It was actually my parents who not only gave me the green light to start consuming alcohol when I became of legal age, but my mum in particular, encouraged me to enjoy it. So long as it was in moderate amounts, of course.

But I hated the taste. It was disgusting. A ridiculous amount of empty calories. I didn't feel good physically from it either.

The only reason I drank...was to avoid sitting at the edge of my bed in the dark at three in the morning, so numb from prolonged sadness that it doesn't even make sense to cry. There's just a constant pang in the heart, and the feeling of not being able to experience joy anymore, no matter how hard you will yourself to break out into even the tiniest smile.

Horrible fucking habit, I'll admit. And thank god it's over.

If I had to actually go through it in order to learn my mistake, well I'm glad.

And not too much damage was done, the drinking probably lasted for a little over a month before I started getting back on my feet and even on days where I felt under the weather, I knew I had alternatives in terms of cheering myself up.

Anyway long story short, I managed to nip this goddamn bad habit in the bud yesterday by not getting myself any form of alcohol at all, but doing something much, much healthier instead.

I went for a walk. At the park.

Since about two years ago when I first discovered how wonderfully therapeutic it can be, it has fast become one of my favourite activities ever.

And the park? Is just amazing.

View from a height, coz I climbed up this grand platform thingy:

I probably only go up and chill about once every 20 or so times I visit the park lol. I'm always so tempted to do it but I get hella shy and think people are gonna judge this crazy chick walking around, listening to music all alone and climbing things. I'm also genuinely worried that when I make my way up there I'll be interrupting some teenage couple's make out session lmao. #irritationalfears

Lovely view of the sky...

I absolutely adore gazing up at the clear blue skies, the vastness just makes all my problems seem so small and insignificant :))

I also love the feeling of knowing that I will one day be able to travel and explore this magnificent world we live in ❤

Cute bridge and pond!! Every time I cross the bridge, just taking those few steps never fail to brighten up my mood in less than five seconds flat. I love these simple joys of life, there is so much beauty in the world!

Now realising that I sound so crazily happy compared to all the paragraphs in the beginning hahaha. Which is exactly what taking a walk in the park and being surrounded by nature did for me, it completely transformed my mood and made me feel a thousand times better. And in almost no time at all!

Really, really thankful.

Gonna end this post off with the final pics, which are of the most adorable little kitty cat I stumbled upon during my stroll!!!!!!!

Awwwwwww look at it snooze!!

Now if you know me, you'd know that I've been a dog person my entire life and I kinda hate cats (lol no hard feelings) coz I just think they're such bitches lmao. Save for the kittens and munchkin cats, those are ALWAYS adorable.

However, after spending so much time with a bunch of cat lovers in the production crew, I've come to kinda sorta like them???!?? The same way I've started liking coffee a lot because of the premise of the story as well as adventures with cold brew...BUT WE SHAN'T GO INTO THAT. Oh my lord the #shootfood feels are creeping up on me again...NO. I MUST SUPPRESS THEM.


Cute little guy stretching it out *SQUEEEEEEEEEEE* SO CUTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aight, that's all for this post.

I'm sorry you had to read all that dark and depressing shit, but it personally felt great for me to get it off my chest. I guess I just needed an outlet for me to vent, and doing so via my blog really did help.

Also, by chance I revisited this post and reading it never fails to remind me how blessed I am to have overcome so much and be where I am today.

I feel much better now, so yay for that and hopefully I'll be back in due time with my usual happy, overexcited, probably screaming-about-good-food posts!!

Oh yes, and the making-of #shootfood post too, look forward to that!

I am gonna cry ughhhh I miss filming and I miss all the cast and crew's cute little faces booooo :'(((

Take careeeeeee ily xoxo

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