Friday, 19 June 2015

Poison.

I just went from having my heart beat wildly against my chest at alarming speeds, my hands trembling uncontrollably and not knowing whether I'd be able to make it through the night, much less face the rest of the world and just carry on living my life as if an emotional crisis involving affairs of the heart hadn't just occurred, to feeling light as a feather. Happier than I've ever felt in a long, long while.

I guess I've just been carrying this horrible, horrible weight with me for way too long. This burden on my heart, this sorrow in my head that's been constantly gnawing at the back of my mind, slowly but surely eating away at all the joy I could've had in my life.

And all it took for me to get rid of it all, and feel as refreshed as I do now, like I'm all brand new, was a good ol' fashioned cry.


(thank you soooooooooo much, Summer, for always being there for me when i truly need you the most. and i'm sorry you had to sit at a public bench after work just to listen to me bawling hysterically on the phone for almost half an hour and yelling vulgarities in between loud, heavy sobs lol. you are The Best, and i honestly don't know what i would do without you. you are without a doubt my ultimate source of strength for when shit happens, no question about it. and i am so, so grateful for you. ❤)


On the bright side, I won't have to be dealing with a certain someone from here on out. Someone who has been contributing pretty much nothing but agony to my life for quite a while now, and I dare say that he was perhaps the one and only aspect of my life which was negative.

Can you imagine that? I actually sat down and thought about it one fine day and came to the incredible realisation that my life is actually all-out splendid. (not trying to brag or rub it in any of your faces but yeah, 'tis the truth) Full of love and joy, very #blessed indeed lol and all that jazz!

Be it family and friends, school, work, post-school plans, health, relaxation, food, fun, travel, entertainment, music, literally EVERYTHING about my life, tick tick tick. All the boxes, checked.

Except for this one particular aspect, that has just been dragging me down and making me feel like absolute shit.

Yes, this one single element somehow had the power of seemingly ERASING all the other great stuff about my life. I hate to say it, but it's true. It made me forget all the other blessings I had in life. It made me take everything else for granted. And as a result, I allowed myself to feel utterly miserable over this one aspect of my life, over the person who was behind it.

LESSON OF THE DAY: Cut the poison out of your life.

No matter who it is, if that person is causing you way more anguish than joy, it's time to sit down and really deliberate over what kind of role they play in your life, and what exactly they mean to you. From there, you need to consciously take action to ensure that they know exactly what it is they did wrong and thus no longer have the excuse of hurting you again in future, or simply to remove them from your life completely.

DO NOT allow someone into your life who is only going to be a thief of your joy.

You do NOT owe them anything.

I'm 98% sure that the person I'm referring to doesn't read my blog but even if he does see this, I don't give a shit. I really don't! He knows good and well what he's done to me.

*takes a deep breath*

:))


In a way, I'm really glad this happened. And I know that it had to happen, so while the pain that I'm experiencing right now is borderline excruciating, I know that this too shall pass.

Another thing that I learned from this: Closure is astoundingly important. And I'm so thankful that I received it today, and not a single moment later. I don't want this needless suffering to go on any longer than it already has.


And now for those who are keeping score (aka just me, basically lol), here it goes.

As of today, at the age of 19 years and seven months old, I still haven't had my first boyfriend, first kiss, …etc etc. You can probably use your imagination to figure out how the rest of this list goes. But yeah. 100% virgin territories here, HAHAHAHA literally, if ya know what I mean LOL. Ahem.

I still stand by the notion of saving it all for that person who is truly special, (no, i don't believe in waiting til marriage lmao I'M SORRY) so yeah. It's good that I didn't give him anything, so to speak. And yes, I'm glad.


Lastly, remember: You are so worthy of someone who genuinely likes and cares for you, and who wants to be with you for all the right reasons. Do not make the mistake of being with someone just for the sake of it. It may take time, but there is someone out there who is just right for you. And they're gonna make you so happy without even trying, your insides will feel all warm and fuzzy at the very thought of them, and you'll just feel loved. Really, really loved. I hope you all find that person soon, without too much trouble along the way :))

Yes, including you, the guy I'm talking about in this post, on the off-chance that you might be reading this. Because despite the damage that you've done to me, and how much I resent you for all the unnecessary torment you put me through, the sad thing is…I don't think I could bring myself to hate you.

With that being said, I wish you nothing but the best, from the bottom of my heart.

But get the fuck out of my life. Forreal.

You've done enough to fuck it up.

1 comment:

  1. I love your post and I am glad you're feeling better now! I've been typing this for the third time cus my internet is shitty and while I'm at it, I'm currently listening to Park Bom's "Don't cry" so BABY PLEASE DONT CRY 😘😘

    (P.S: I keep up with your blog plus Clement's in secret)

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