Thursday, 24 November 2016

A note to myself; to You, too. if you need it.

The world has too much beauty, for you to focus on the pain.
Life holds too much hope and promise each and every day, for you to consider putting an early end to it.

image credit: hand.tumblr.com

//

What played a huge part in drawing enough hurt from my heart to bring my soul out of its state of numbness, and not go through with killing myself back in '09 when I came this close to taking that leap? Thinking about things like...

My grandparents desperately searching for me all around the house before forcing themselves to realize the only way I could've left was through the open window in my bedroom from the 27th floor.

My dad having to focus on the road with eyes fogging up with tears, trying to drive safely despite my mum wailing in the passenger seat at earth-shattering volumes because they're on their way to identify my mangled and lifeless body at the morgue.

My dear, sweet little sister, no longer having someone to hold close on stormy nights. Only the clothes I left behind, vaguely possessing my scent, but which only fade with each passing gust of wind. I would never get to see her grow up into the fine young woman I know she will be. My non-beating heart will never again be filled with pride, completely in awe of how this cute little baby sister of mine can become wiser, kinder, and more beautiful each day.

My friends, wracking their brains wondering what more they could've done to prevent me from being so goddamn foolish. Thinking back to the last time we saw each other, trying to recall if I were exhibiting any "warning signs". They would re-read the last Whatsapp message I ever sent to the group chat. Look at the last selfie we took together. Hating me for being so selfish, for not following through with all the plans we had made to hang out again soon. That hipster cafe we said we'd check out. The movie coming out next year we said we would catch. We promised to stay friends well into adulthood. We said we'd attend each others' weddings. None of us expected our next gathering to be at my funeral. My closest friends huddled around me in the coffin. I lay as an empty vessel of the girl whom they used to share so much laughter with.

My future husband. The love of my life who would be on the receiving end of my entire heart and soul. The one and only man who I would feel safe entrusting every last bit of my being to, after years and years of wasting my tears and agonising over countless fuckboys. The One I can reveal all my scars to. He'd gingerly trace his fingers around them as I recounted the tales of how I got each one.

My future child. Children? Babies are so pure, I do want them. At some point :)

But obviously I would not be able to, if I decided to throw myself off a building and bust myself open on the concrete pavement of my quiet neighbourhood. So stupidly and so SELFISHLY forcing other people, ones whom I love so greatly and deeply, to pick up the pieces. Clear up on the mess I've made and live the rest of their lives having this incident etched in their subconscious beings, while I take the easy way out and just end it all.

//

Life can be so, SO painful.

But please...see past all this hardship and suffering and utter BULLSHIT that you have been dealt at this moment.

And think about the people around you, who love you (even though they might not show it in the most obvious ways).

The people you haven't even met yet, who are going to turn your life upside down, round and round. They'll take you for such a ride, you won't ever want to get off!

Memories waiting to be made.
Experiences waiting to be had.

You have only one life.

But the great thing about it is, it can change at ANY. MOMENT.

So whatever you do, DO NOT END THIS LIFE that you have.

Because a year, a month, a week or even SIXTY SECONDS down the road, something might happen that completely rocks your world and changes the course of life as you know it.


You will be so goddamn, fucking glad then. That you held on, pulled yourself up, dusted yourself off and carried on marching forward.

Scars, and all.

//

I'm a Buddhist myself, but I apply quotes and teachings from a bunch of different religions to my life if I happen to find them relevant. If you do not feel comfortable with talk of religious higher beings and the like, please feel free to substitute the following phrase with "the Universe" instead of God, but this saying:

"God only gives the toughest battles to his strongest soldiers",

is true.

You will not be dealt anything that you weren't meant to be able to handle.

You WILL overcome.

I promise you that.

Saturday, 19 November 2016

Swag Fuck (jks lol i talk about waffles & desserts ☺)

I feel like, other than the emo ass posts I have to write for myself because of the catharsis they provide, I haven't been blogging here as much as I'd like to :(

Also not including the meme dumps lah, of course. lol

I think I've been too burdened by the concern that each of my posts should be immaculate and oh-so-polished. That they should be at the standard of hipster Tumblr blogs or the pages of a Kinfolk magazine, ffs.

Well, you're not gonna find any of that here!

Back to shitposting :)

Back to sharing tidbits of my life with you, mysterious reader who has somehow stumbled upon my little piece of the vast interwebz (perhaps because of the fact that i shamelessly plug my own blog on all platforms of social media every single fuckin chance i get lmao).

Back to overenthusiastically rambling on about my joys, my loves, and all the delicious food I ate. Without feeling the need to self-censor.
Woohoo!


Headed to this new cafe in the Tanjong Pagar area coz my friend jio-ed me out on a whim. I'd literally just woken up from a nap 5 minutes prior to his message! But it's all good, I just had to freshen up, take a dump (im sorry lol MY TUMMY WASNT FEELIN VERY WELL IDK WHAT TO TELL U), throw one some pantaloons and off I went!

Love me some spontaneous plans, sometimeszxc :)

(not all da time doe if not my introverted ass self will implode)


Matcha waffles! Green coz #shrekaesthetic lol

shrek is luv shrek is lyfe <3

The cafe is called Kosnica (have no idea why it's named that. i even tried Googling the definition of the word. if u happen to know, pls offer me some insight! lol) and it was literally a 2-day old baby when we dropped by! It hadn't even opened to the public ~officially~, I think. Damn. I was feelin rather special to be real honest HAHA.

jks. sorry. my life is an embarrassment :')


They specialise in waffles and ice cream. I gotta be honest with you, the ice cream isn't of the BEST quality. But damn, that pink-blue swirly concoction on the left really stole my frickin' heart.

It's called bubblegum cotton candy, I think. And holy shit, it really does taste like the Hubba Bubba bubblegum rolls!!


Such a tastebud #throwback, man. I used to chew on dat shit all the damn time as a kid, huehuehue :'))


Kosnica also has a pretty exciting array of cakes and pastries. Most of them are going for $5 each, which I think is quite a steal! Considering most hipster cafes be charging $8.90 for a slice of shitty rainbow cake or whatnot. Fuck that!!! lol


Hands down what sold the cafe for me: FREE. FLOW. MAPLE SYRUP.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They have honey too, which is pretty bomb.

I mean, we were kinda their first customers EVER so the syrup jars were all clean and pristine. But you just KNOW that a month or two down the road, pop by and the jars will be completely REKT by the hundreds of customers walking in and out each day just pouring it all messily like imbeciles lmao

Yes I really do have very little faith in my fellow cafe patrons xoxo

Finna end off this post with...


Broccoli* soft toy!! and that fucking lobster lol whaaat

*At the time of writing, the song "Broccoli" by D.R.A.M. is #26 on Spotify's global chart and steadily on the RISE. I cannot, for the life of me, figure out the appeal of this "rap" song?? If you can even call it that.

Rich Chigga, on the other hand? /heart eye emoji/ /100 emoji/

/water droplets emoji/ lol

Dat $tick is my freakin JAM.

Thursday, 17 November 2016

warning: self-deprecating memes ahead

Before I roll on into this installation of lolz, I want you all to know that I found The Perfect comic serving as an answer to people whenever they ask me why I love memes so damn much:


:'))

Besides these compilations which are purely to share the joy wit y'all since whatever memes I find worthy of saving must be the ones that REALLY made me chortle, I also send a lot of dumb memes to my friends and family. Sometimes unwelcomed. And very much ignored. Lel ok (Y)


I've always thought that your own Instagram explore page makes for an algorithmically accurate portrayal of what you're like as a person, since it's made up of posts belonging in the categories you spend most time viewing and pressing "like" on.

Well, mine is made up of 90% memes. A lil sprinkling of food porn. Anddd...every now and then, some thirst traps posted by hot guys lmao HAHA. What lah my thirst cannot be managed ok ← a well-known fact

I am PARCHED.

Alrighty, let the memes begin!




lol fucking savage


i know this is super overdue cosidering One Dance is an old ass song by now but SHIT. this pic always makes me laff!!!!! he looks freaking RIDICKulous lmao. like some caveman who hasn't gotten to the final stage of human evolution???? bruh

latest Drake jam i've been loving: Sneakin'

The beat goes HARD af.


fucking relatable tbh lol I CANT HELP THAT MY VOICE IS MEEK IM SO SCARED!!!!!! OF TALKING IN FRONT OF PEEPOL


so relatable it's actually sad.......


THIS IS ACTUALLY GROSS AF LOL IM SORRY

but it made me laugh like a bitch lmao

look at the simultaneous stream of piss!!!!! SMLJ SIA HAHAHAHA


yes. definitely


i admit this one is old af too lol. #throwback to my personal Arthur collection huehuehue

that was more than 2 months ago omg!! i cannot even....... time is passing by faster than a motherfucker


yes. i burn out waaaayyyyy too quickly and spectacularly lol. i am too weak :'))


accurate portrayal of my introverted ass self

SOCIAL INTERACTIONS FRIGHTEN ME GREATLY!!!!!!! /creys

Sunday, 13 November 2016

Sad Days, But You Can Still Find That Bit Of Happiness Within. (October's Final Weekend Part 2/2)

Continuation of this post.

Other than the length concern, I didn't want to lump this badddd and saddddddd event with the happy ones of the previous post teehee.


The start of that final Oct'16 weekend was absolutely brilliant and created memories I would very much like to have cemented in my mind forever :)

Pity that it ended off on Sunday with the worst, most scarring experience I possibly could've had thrown at me with no warning whatsoever. Leading up to emotional breakdowns and crying fits aplenty well into the start of the week? Culminating in the ultimate regression of my psychological state since a solid three years or so. Fucking ridiculous lol

*just to avoid any potential confusion, the person i spent Sunday with is not the same as Fri and Sat!! that would be like comparing a demon with an angel, respectively.

Although of course, the devil himself was cloaked in the most pristine of guises. How else would I have been senseless enough to pine for him since the first time I laid eyes on him? And over and OVER again throughout these months as he disappeared from my life and popped up again as and when he liked. Oh well.


It's fine. I shall block out the horrific details and events of Sunday. And remember only the good things.

A lovely brunch at Lola's. Venturing to beautiful locations like Marina Bayfront, Marina Barrage and Gardens By The Bay. I caught a shit ton of Pokemon, too! Lol. The night even ended off with a fat cat spotting at the Gardens, which came up to rub itself against me all affectionately.

Our view.

Our meal.

Night time is when it all really started going to shit.

Couldn't even trust myself to keep it together. I was a fucking mess. Yet I was by your side the entire time. Trying not to choke on my own emotions. Taking in all the sights while knowing with zero uncertainty that I was going to end the night locking myself in the bedroom room, alone and falling apart.

Was too bad that all that walking around led to me losing my Gudetama ez-link card at some point :(

Prolly a sign from the universe then that some things, and people, are meant to leave your life forever (shoutout to the wisdom of Jake the dog). And that I should let go and never look back.

No matter how big or small I foolishly perceived their impact on my life to be.


Hands down biggest takeaway from the night: 
at least i walked away from it all 
gaining the knowledge that my morals are intact
no matter how strong the temptation might have been. 

at least i wasn't the one who verged on jeopardizing a 2-year relationship. 
at least i didn't keep the fact that i'm attached 
undisclosed 
so that i could carry on enjoying the affection of another 
and leave that person with nothing 
at the end of each night when i go back to my own lover's arms. 
at least i wasn't the one who found it 100% okay to toy with someone 
for the sake of my own selfish needs.

at least i can – albeit on a pillow soaked with tears – fall asleep at night with a clear conscience.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Wednesday, 9 November 2016

Oh, Happy Days. (October's Final Weekend Part 1/2)

Random snaps from two weeks ago, a very happy time indeed! Kickstarted the weekend with a half-day photoshoot out at Tiong Bahru neighbourhood with a new friend I'd made at one of TSL's events. We then proceeded to the famously colourful HDB blocks at Rochor. The whole series of flats is gonna be torn down soon, and I'd never been there prior to this! Can you imagine.


Caesar salad at ARC cafe. That soft-boiled (sous vide? i can't rmb) egg was on some other shit, yo. It looks like a freaking FLOWER. Was pretty darn delicious on the whole.

We also had a tiramisu served in a flower pot. Gimmicky, but it tasted pree solid anyway so I shall excuse it!

(i took IG stories of the Rochor buildings but i didn't save the vids before they expired...fucking dumb lol im sorry about it)


ARC's mural. I took this screenshot from my IG story, sorry for laosai quality hahaha

***

The subsequent day was spent shooting more pics at Dakota Crescent, a really quaint and quiet old neighbourhood with one of the last remaining vintage playgrounds in Singapore. Went into the vacant lots that people used to call home, and it was all grunged out with hilarious graffiti (you shall see later lol).


such pretty much w0w

I hardly ever go ~out n about~ in an active way like this. Most of the time I hang out with my friends and family by finding a nice eatery, sitting my ass down for the duration of the meal, perhaps wandering around an airconditioned mall for a willy while and that's it.


Sought respite at a tiny ass cafe. Their cakes looked rather swaggy!


Got myself a rose syrup latte but the one at Hatched* is still better by light yearsssss.

*Read thru my own old post before hyperlinking. Can't believe it's been 9 months since I was gifting suggestive cards to a rando whom i thought was The One i was gonna spend the rest of my life with. lol! did y'all know i felt him so damn fucking much i was ready to work my ass off to support his unambitious, dropout, 4-years-older-than-me, almost always jobless self? smh. ANYWAY.

lel


Vibes were on Pointé for str8 chillin, doe. :)

***

Friday and Saturday spent roaming around the island was gr8. Wonderful conversation (i really appreciate so much when i meet new people who are genuinely nice and smart and a joy to talk to), a lot of laughs, we had really good food and coffee! Oh yeah, the photoshoot itself was fun af too coz I got to let loose and bop to my playlist in public, something I pretty much never do coz I am self-conscious as fuck.

I can't even let my mum take an OOTD of me in a public setting if some strangers happen to walk by and see me lol. I will think they're judging me...CONFIRM.

Anyway.

As promised, here are some of the best, most top notch quality graffiti works I've ever stumbled upon, in the abandoned homes of Dakota.


Take some time to admire the curvature of the testes. So precise, you can just TELL the artist had mad skillz!


tfw u gangsta as hell but can't spell for shit


I am really sorry if you find this offensive (i showed it to my mum and she certainly was lol i almost got slapped) but I straight up laughed for 9 years when I first saw it.

Ya, my sense of humour is super sophisticated, innit?


Hurhur this post is gettin a tad long so I shall continue some other time.

Ciao, y'all~~

:))

Sunday, 6 November 2016

Give the time, some time.

There's an anti-suicide quote I have saved in my Macbook notes since the beginning of last year, back when I was just getting on my feet from a harrowing ordeal of depression and anxiety that lasted for the better part of half a decade.


During the last weekend or so...for the final week of October, I felt a deep and truly frightening sense of giving up on life. For the first time in what I can safely say has been a while.

And with the still healing wounds so fresh, I can add to the above quote with personal belief and assuredness: "you never know how close your Best Day Ever is, just waiting to come into your life after the Worst".


To say "it gets better" is a given, but setbacks will also be aplenty.

Especially when you work so hard just to survive and get through the shitty days unscathed, a one-step-forward, two-steps-back scenario might very well push you to want to just give up.


But when the dark clouds recede and your skin feels the warm relief of basking in the sunlight, I'll be damned that you won't feel glad and grateful as fuck to have weathered the seemingly impossible storm.

Wednesday, 2 November 2016

LOLA'S. muhfuggin. CAFE.

I feel like I'm only about 16% into the cafe-hopping scene. In the sense that I thoroughly LOVE eating at hipster cafes (when my finances allow me to, anyway), but rather than venturing far and wide to try new spots on a regular basis, I pretty much stick to the handful of cafes that I already know and love.

Now, Lola's Cafe is a familiar name that has been thrown around a lot whenever cafe-hopping is discussed amongst my peers. My friend Ian (who had a stint at Stranger's Reunion as well) also worked there for a bit. So I certainly know of Lola's Cafe's existence.

But to really go there and experience for myself the food, the atmosphere, the decor and just the vibes in general...hoo boy.

***


Avocado Eggs Benedict ($14)(which i reckon is a STEAL, btw)(look at the bloody aesthetics of it all omg that alone qualifies for 500 stars)

u kno i be all abt dat #avocadolyfe. the brioche was somethin' else, too. most ridiculously tasty bread i've ever had the pleasure of shoving down my gullet. it stayed fluffy throughout and didn't even get soggy with the dripping Hollandaise sauce and oozing egg yolk! WHAT. how??? (witchcraft.)

Legit...

It was one of my best cafe experiences to date.

Food was beyond stellar, and VERY reasonably priced in my opinion (less than 20 bucks for a solid, ultra filling dish), considering the sheer quality and care that they put into cooking and presentation.


Golden egg yolk flowing out like sex lava.......ya lol

I've been so accustomed to shoddy cafe food standards who think they can get away with it just coz they have a fancy hipster image. Your branding and concept may be solid but if your food is trash? Sorry but I'm never coming back. Especially if it cost a bomb!!

The food at Lola's Cafe was so exquisite, I really had to hold an audible gasp when the lovely waitress first brought it to the table. Plated so beautifully, generous serving and each bite was a delight!


Joyce's Breakfast Butter Croissant ($15)! Stuffed abundantly with scrambled eggs (HELL yea), pork ham, honey bacon (DROOOOLZ) and cheddar cheese!

***

I was really so goddamn happy with my time at Lola's. It goes without saying, but their coffee offerings were A+. Oh, and the music they play is THE BOMB!! Literally song after song was something that actually belonged on my own playlist.

I fucking love Lola's Cafe now lol. Lemme return like another 10 times in the next few months so that I can really sample every wonderful thing they have on offer lol

(i sound like such a fangirl wtf. so embarrassing. can i chill)

//

UPDATE: I did it. I went and did it lmao WHAT DID I TELL YOU!!!!!

So the above pics with Joyce were taken on 9th October, aka my virgin trip to Lola's. Ahh, such a memorable time! lol

Yes I take a really long time to get blog posts out :'))

This...


Was from this past Sunday :) Which was the 30th of October. Different company this time. I got myself the same iced mocha ($6)(not pictured coz i suck at making drinks look photogenic lol) and it tasted just as nice!

Wanted to get the full works breakfast set ($17) but the price seemed a lil bit steep for my budget. So I decided to try the croissant that Joyce had last time, and BOY.

It is fucking.......UH-MAZE-INGGGGGG.

Like, the crispy buttery croissant alone will send you into multiple violent shockwaves of pleasure. Not to mention the cheesy melted cheddar and savoury MEATS mmmmmm bacon AND ham lol oh my!! I almost wept real jesus tears right there at their beautifully rustic wooden tables.

I freaking love Lola's, man.