Thursday, 24 November 2016

A note to myself; to You, too. if you need it.

The world has too much beauty, for you to focus on the pain.
Life holds too much hope and promise each and every day, for you to consider putting an early end to it.

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What played a huge part in drawing enough hurt from my heart to bring my soul out of its state of numbness, and not go through with killing myself back in '09 when I came this close to taking that leap? Thinking about things like...

My grandparents desperately searching for me all around the house before forcing themselves to realize the only way I could've left was through the open window in my bedroom from the 27th floor.

My dad having to focus on the road with eyes fogging up with tears, trying to drive safely despite my mum wailing in the passenger seat at earth-shattering volumes because they're on their way to identify my mangled and lifeless body at the morgue.

My dear, sweet little sister, no longer having someone to hold close on stormy nights. Only the clothes I left behind, vaguely possessing my scent, but which only fade with each passing gust of wind. I would never get to see her grow up into the fine young woman I know she will be. My non-beating heart will never again be filled with pride, completely in awe of how this cute little baby sister of mine can become wiser, kinder, and more beautiful each day.

My friends, wracking their brains wondering what more they could've done to prevent me from being so goddamn foolish. Thinking back to the last time we saw each other, trying to recall if I were exhibiting any "warning signs". They would re-read the last Whatsapp message I ever sent to the group chat. Look at the last selfie we took together. Hating me for being so selfish, for not following through with all the plans we had made to hang out again soon. That hipster cafe we said we'd check out. The movie coming out next year we said we would catch. We promised to stay friends well into adulthood. We said we'd attend each others' weddings. None of us expected our next gathering to be at my funeral. My closest friends huddled around me in the coffin. I lay as an empty vessel of the girl whom they used to share so much laughter with.

My future husband. The love of my life who would be on the receiving end of my entire heart and soul. The one and only man who I would feel safe entrusting every last bit of my being to, after years and years of wasting my tears and agonising over countless fuckboys. The One I can reveal all my scars to. He'd gingerly trace his fingers around them as I recounted the tales of how I got each one.

My future child. Children? Babies are so pure, I do want them. At some point :)

But obviously I would not be able to, if I decided to throw myself off a building and bust myself open on the concrete pavement of my quiet neighbourhood. So stupidly and so SELFISHLY forcing other people, ones whom I love so greatly and deeply, to pick up the pieces. Clear up on the mess I've made and live the rest of their lives having this incident etched in their subconscious beings, while I take the easy way out and just end it all.


Life can be so, SO painful.

But please...see past all this hardship and suffering and utter BULLSHIT that you have been dealt at this moment.

And think about the people around you, who love you (even though they might not show it in the most obvious ways).

The people you haven't even met yet, who are going to turn your life upside down, round and round. They'll take you for such a ride, you won't ever want to get off!

Memories waiting to be made.
Experiences waiting to be had.

You have only one life.

But the great thing about it is, it can change at ANY. MOMENT.

So whatever you do, DO NOT END THIS LIFE that you have.

Because a year, a month, a week or even SIXTY SECONDS down the road, something might happen that completely rocks your world and changes the course of life as you know it.

You will be so goddamn, fucking glad then. That you held on, pulled yourself up, dusted yourself off and carried on marching forward.

Scars, and all.


I'm a Buddhist myself, but I apply quotes and teachings from a bunch of different religions to my life if I happen to find them relevant. If you do not feel comfortable with talk of religious higher beings and the like, please feel free to substitute the following phrase with "the Universe" instead of God, but this saying:

"God only gives the toughest battles to his strongest soldiers",

is true.

You will not be dealt anything that you weren't meant to be able to handle.

You WILL overcome.

I promise you that.

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