Tuesday, 10 January 2017

firsts.

One whole year since my first kiss. (can't believe i was so overjoyed from the occasion that i wrote an extensive and highly giggly blog post about it lmao 2016 me was weird)

Young girl like me needed someone to take care of her.
But there you were, 4 years older than me and equipped only with a secondary level educational qualification.
Hopping from one low level part-time job to another every other week or so.
Complaining that our dates were too expensive when all I requested was to eat a chicken chop at Han's (and we always went Dutch, too).

Yet I never gave a shit about all that.

In my eyes, you were still someone I could see myself spending my life with.
I'm such a lazy, procrastinatory piece of shit but I even made up my mind that I could be happy working doubly hard if it meant being able to support you financially.
There was so much I would've done just for us to live a comfortable life together.
I don't need to be pampered like a princess and spoiled with material goods.
Your company was enough for me. All I wanted was to spend time in your presence, be with you.

Not that you ever thought the same, though.

When I called you up that evening to meet up with me so you could be the first one I told about my job promotion, you watched as I rambled on with all the excitement and gratitude in the world. When I finished talking, all you asked me was "how much more are they gonna pay you".

When I told you, you proceeded to lambast me about what a giant fool I am to take on the offer.

Yet I never once spoke ill of you or made you feel small about bombing job interviews, or coming back from your first day of work saying you want to quit again so you can go back to sitting around the house doing nothing all damn day.


Never being happy for me and my little victories in life. You made me feel small. You made me feel like I had to dumb myself down and dim my shine just to match your level and forge a connection in your glaringly inferior world. You made me feel guilty for pursuing my passions. You left me hanging by not replying to my messages the nights before we were supposed to go on a date, but you got jealous whenever I spoke of my male friends. You made snide comments about how I should go have sex with my guy friends "if i liked them so much", even though all I'd say was how much I platonically valued them for giving me care and support like a normal bro would. You kept me hidden like a dirty little secret, something so shameful that the rest of the world could never possibly know of. When you were almost reaching the train station to meet me for dinner after I left the office from work, you threatened to turn back and leave to go home if I went to see you together with two of my colleagues and closest friends, even if just to say hi and finally meet you in person. They're the dearest people to me in the office, I guess they just wanted to formally meet the guy who'd been making me so giddily happy for the past couple of months. 


I was well and truly blind to all of your flaws.

And so early on in our relationship, I guess you made up your mind that I wasn't the one you wanted to be with.

I just wish you could've let me know then.

But you continued to let me fall, harder and faster than I'd ever known in my life while you already went on your merry way to make a steady escape.

ya, i really went and created a typography piece for some #relatable Tinashe lyrics coz this major throwback of a song came on during shuffle and i was all up in mah feelz™ coz i used to listen to the Aquarius album SO much during the months that i’d dated him. 
(school only starts in 2 days, so this is how bo liao i am rn. boredom’s gonna be a luxury once the semester begins tho lol /CREYS)

The day you so easily let it all go, I seriously felt like I had lost everything.

But it's been about 9 months since.

And I don't know if it's the love from family and friends that I've been absolutely engulfed in every single day.

Or the wonderful experiences I've had be it seeing the world or getting closer and closer to achieving my dreams (without feeling the need to share it with you and so desperately seeking your validation).

Or being with guys of every shape, size, and ethnicity who fucked me like you never could.


Time has cleansed me so completely that when I think back to you and everything I thought we could be, I feel nothing at all.

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