Sunday, 26 February 2017

Taiwanese beauty products out here bout to enhance all y'all faces and Life in general.

[Disclaimer: This post is a sponsored collaboration with BeautyKeeper, courtesy of Sample Store.]

Everybody from Buzzfeed to Night Owl Cinematics are raving about whether Korean (wit da pale ass complexions sorry, i meant Fair Skin xo) or American beauty products (contour your whole ASS right off, tbh) are better. But......y’all. Where’s the love for all dem TAIWANESE products??

Just as much as I can’t stand K-dramas for their setting of unrealistic love standards as well as the fact that it’s always the same old cringey ass sob story, I’m not one to sit down and willingly subject myself to Taiwanese idol dramas (no shade to those who love ‘em. whateva floats ya boat, i say!)

I am, however, a huge slut for big fan of Mandopop music.

5566, S.H.E, Jay Chou, Jolin Tsai, Cyndi Wang, Fahrenheit. The list goes on.

My cousin introduced them to me back in the early 2000s when he was in his teenage years and I was just a lil whiney ass baby (still am now, tbh. lol), bless his soul. I’m not proactive enough at the moment to go seek out new hits, so I’m mostly looping old shit on Spotify under various #N0STALGIA playlists teehee

Sidenote: I very recently discovered G.E.M (thanks Joyce! ☺) and i’m so head over heels in love with that girl, big voice and even bigger attitude. Slay me, kween.

This is random but i was scrolling thru the (very wholesome, very loving) comments under G.E.M’s music videos on youtube and the chinese equivalent of “KWEEN” is “女神”??? Fucking amazing omg. #themoreyouknow

I’m so bloody thankful for my bilingualism lol, even tho it’s at like an elementary level haha BUT STILL. Being able to appreciate the art of multiple languages is some GOOD SHIET, right dere. ✔

Oh yeah I also love Taiwanese food. Like, have you been to their night markets??? I have not. lol BUT THERE’S TW SNACK KIOSKS IN SG LAH OK. Thank god. Luv me some Taiwan-style bubble tea and XXL fried chicken UNFFF. Shoutout to 我爱台妹 and Shihlin, y’all da real MVPs :’) Haven’t tried Hot-Star yet but, dammit. I Shall.


Alrighty I went off on a riDICKulously long tangent there lol but TODAY...we are gathered here, to marvel at some of the awe-inspiring benefits that Taiwanese beauty products have to offer.

Here’s a nice lil package of beauty products sent from BeautyKeeper (美麗掌櫃)(美丽掌柜, for plebs like myself who can only read simplified Chinese at best lol), a dedicated online store that aims to bring all the goodies of the Taiwan beauty and cosmetic scene, to those in Southeast Asia!

1. 'INNA Organic' facial mask
Infused wit da goodness of the delicate but almighty rose geranium!
I’m lazy af but I can’t deny how good face masks are for saving my parched skin in a jiffy, even if I only get around to using them like once every few months or so. Have been using My Beauty Diary’s sheet masks since I was a broke ass bitch in secondary school, and for now my faves are actually the ones from Innisfree so. Can’t wait to try this ~*soothing*~ one!

2. 'MD/AA Jiao' “pulsed mask” foaming case cleanser
I’m so sorry lol the moment I saw the name my mind only had one thought and it was.......lanjiao.
HAHAHAH fuck my life, my maturity level is lower than that of a primary 4 school boy’s. Liddat who wanna collab with me for future advertorials sia lmaooo
My apologise (ya i know it’s spelled Apologies THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A JOKE. FUCK.), I am sure this product is amazing and I simply cannot wait to have it...pulse on my face lol HAH.


3. 'PSK' intensive hydra cream
Now, idk about y’all but I am beyond STOKED to see just how /intense/ this cream bout to get on mah dry ass, problematic ass skin huehuehue (my face skin btw, not LITERALLY my "ass skin"). And it’s not even spelled “hydration” cream, coz you can never truly be swaggy until you cease to find it a necessity to spell words to their completion. It’s “hydra” cream.

Hail hydra.

4. 'Ethel Cosmeceutical' purified collagen powder
Why stop at slathering cosmetics on your external dermis, when you can INGEST beauty products to finally make yo nasty ass insides look pretty?? I’m kidding lol. About the latter portion, anyway.

Portioned into 7 individual packets to set you off on the most collagen-fuelled week of your life, you're supposed to dissolve and drink the powder in 200ml of water, warm or cold. If you’re sick and tired (waddup Anastacia, kween of my 2004 playlists back when i was studying in Perth) of collagen creams taking their own damned, sweet time to work da magic on plumping up your skin, just chug this collagen right down your gullet, ay?

Oh yeah the BeautyKeeper package also came with this nifty little Beauty Magazine:

Super duper informative, and makes for gr8 reading material when you’re chillin in bed with your lovely facial sheet mask on, or sittin on tha toilet makin A Poo™, ja feel?


Having to go oot & aboot to physically scavenge for the beauty products you already know of and yearn for can be a pain in the buttocks. You don’t wanna end up getting distracted along the way, what with the plethora of other available products on offer!!

Strutting into a pharmacy wanting to pick up like, three items and ending up with a receipt longer than whatever shitty distance you managed to get for Standing Broad Jump ( i’m just projecting my overly specific, personal failures onto you lmao) is a big NO-NO!!

Taiwanese host and comedian, Nono.

Hahahaha y’all like that? Y’all get that reference? ok

Feel like this occasion calls for the following:

Pic of that one time I actually met and got a picture with Nono when he came to Singapore lmao. I was like, frickin six years old or some shit I reckon. My haircut was so #goals, right??? :-D

Anywhozzles. Get all these kool n sweg Taiwanese products from da comfort of your very own home!! Or, wherever the hell it is that you surf the web and do online shopping. I ain’t one to judge lol. (gotDAMN, i love me some honey.)

Everything you purchase is under a 30-day refund policy so you can buy to your heart’s content with No Ragrets.

There’s also 24-hour (!!) support staff on standby should you require any assistance at all. And if you know a thing or two about Taiwanese folk, you know that they be friendly as FOOK so yeah. Trust that you’ll be in good hands huehuehue <3

Thursday, 16 February 2017

Someone: "valentine's day" Me: *[[[TRIGGERED]]]*

Started out trying to type a short and simple Facebook post but it spiralled out of control (as does everything else in mah lyfe, amirite?! *sobs*) and I feel like I'd typed too much not to have it properly immortalised somewhere lol so here:

(just tellin it like it is lol)(im Fine actually, no need to be alarmed by this post)(i have just grown accustomed to using very vivid and unnecessarily lengthy self-deprecating humour to cope with my crippling fear of never finding love xo)

may the good lord bless mah soul :'))

Heavens know that i need it.


also me:

Monday, 13 February 2017

Guangzhou EATZ.

Hi. Y'all are a bunch of Filthy McNasties™, you know that right?

For half a decade I've been slogging it out trying to gain this blog a readership of more than 4 unique visitors per day. But nobody gave a ding dong doodle damn :'(

I write one post about taking a big ol' schlong into my verguba, though. And y'all can't freaking get enough!!!! NOTTY BOIS AND GOYLES.

jks haha. I truly appreciate the flood of positive feedback about my writing skillz, along with how happy y'all are on my behalf that my lady bits are gettin Well Fed lol it feels gr8 to share the joy!!

Can't promise that I'm now gonna transform PuddingFancy into an exclusively peena-vageena publication kind of dealio, but you should know by now. This blog is a mish-mash of thoughts and overenthusiastic ramblings spanning extensive scopes as messy as my life itself.

So check back regularly for random shit like unduly passionate music recommendations, super extra thousand-word long reviews on Mc-fucking-Donald's of all places, and graphic imaginings of what it'd be like if I were to have gone through with my numerous suicide attempts (jfc, shit gets heavy reeeal fast lol. somemore no prior warning 的!!!).

I also like to pretend that I'm your "Internet Big Sister" (fcking cringey ass shit lol /BARFS), and unleash a whole bunch of cliched Tumblr-esque motivational quotes to help you feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside. Sometimes in a bid to just make myself feel better, too.

But for now, I wanna talk about some China food I ate during Dec'16 :))

 Leggo, my eggo.


At a Halal noodle and dim sum spot, I ordered a bowl of 炸酱面 (zha jiang mian, bean paste noodles) and it came with an exciting plethora of appetizers.

Although it looks really dry and funky af, the beef slices were my fave! So gray and weird looking really was a gamble to ingest them hahaha. It's k00l, no subsequent lao sai issues to report lol

My hot n00ds~~

Really tasty and I thoroughly enjoyed it for the first 3 to 5 heaping mouthfuls or so. Then it got way too fucking oily...I could practically feel the grease welling up in my stomach. My lips were absolutely drenched in oil such that I had to dab (ha ha Dab) them with serviettes after every bite, it was so icky.

Handmade noodles were top-notch, tho! Probably could've done with more cucumber shreds to soak up that grease. I love shredded veg in my noodle dishes anyway. So fresh and adds a nice crunch :)

Big ol' plate of dumplings. Because it was a Halal establishment, they used lamb instead of minced pork. I'm chuffed as all hell that Muslim peeps get to enjoy Chinese dumplings now, hooray! :D

This was pretty darn special. Not sure which specific vicinity of China this dish is a cuisine of but still, I've never seen anything like it in Singapore I'll tell you that much!

It was a mix of scallops and oysters – both still in their shells – topped with vermicelli noodles. Or tung hoon (glass noodles), I can't tell! But I love 'em all the same :)

The noodles were tossed in a tasty mix of fragrant oils, chopped up chilli and plenty of garlic. Almost like an Asian version of aglio olio, if you will!

Teensy weensy plate of grilled tofu (it was of the firm bean curd variety, yum!) that tasted ever so slightly of charred caramelized goodness mmmmmmm fuk me up fam. The accompanying sauce was a little too sweet, too watery and too artificially bright red for me tho! pity.

Some chunky chilli sauce to go with it would've been BOMBBB.

My mum wanted to try these vegetarian dumplings that were 100% plant-based, from skin to filling. No meat whatsoever.

Apart from looking like the cute alien mochi from Disneyland,

(Source)  So adorable and absolutely ICONIC.

The veggie dumplings were,, HORRIFIC.


Bring me back my mEAT, and plenty of it!!!!! In my mouth, where it belongs lololol


may the good lord help me xoxo

Wednesday, 8 February 2017


Purely coincidental, I did not plan for the dates to line up so perfectly. In fact, it was more of a spontaneous occurrence that triggered my realization only after I'd sat down and properly delved into the history of my life's happenings, connecting the dots.

Exactly one year ago today, I lost my virginity.

And now, 366 days plus a spectacular assortment of penises (or as i sometimes like to call, "penii". pronounced pee-naí) later? I've been elevated to a whole new realm.

Ladies and gentlemen...It is with great joy and boundless gratitude in my hoe heart that I announce that I have finally been with a man who is tall, strong, and SKILLED enough to pick me up and really give it to me...long dick style, like the following diagram shows:

(literally no one asked, but) I was both bounced up and down on his...yknow, as well as held in the air as he thrusted relentlessly to the absolute glee of my g-spot.

Two glorious positions I had NEVER even come close to (s)experiencing, until today of course.

*don't get me wrong, i'm glad that i found someone who's capable of picking me up to fuck me but i am by no means throwing shade at any of the past dudes i've smashed (i know some of 'em read my blog...a lil bit weird actually lol but hi. waddup) who weren't able to do so. i'm only 163 cm tall and the height of my partners so far have ranged from 168 cm to 184 cm (i sound like some psycho rn who charts the vital statistics of random men she sleeps with lol OH WAIT! i do do that.) but i am of significantly greater body mass than the average chick, coz i used to be overweight blah blah extra flab here and there that i honestly can't be arsed to get rid of coz it makes for some gr8 cushion for the pushin' lmfao. 

not once have i ever expected a guy to carry me during coitus, or walked out of a banging session (more like limp out, coz the Dick Too Bomb™ that i can't walk straight afterwards, amirite? *insert Side To Side cover*) disappointed that he wasn't able to.

even when it was happening today my mind was like !!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT! THE! FUCK! iaminheavenrightnowwhateverdididotodeservethisnextlevelpoundingohmygodyesssssssssTAKEMETHERE

Few words exist in the English language that are able to adequately express just how I feel right now...which is #blessed.


Hope y'all had a fun and eventful day, too!! bless my stars tbh hahahah